Not all blueberries are created equal. Specific things you only notice when you have a kid
Baa Baa Black Sheep, ABC, Twinkle Twinkle? All the same f***ing song
They say nothing can prepare you for having a kid, and they’re right. You can read all the books, closely watch friends and family with their kids and arm yourself with all the gear the internet told you that you needed. But absolutely nothing can prepare you for the ‘time to be a grown-up’ slap to the face that happens when you suddenly have a tiny human who you will now have to provide for, care for and pay for (with minimal breaks) for the rest of your life.
Of course, as you now know, once you accept that fact, things become significantly easier. And while they remain hard, they also become fun! And lovely! Most of the time!
However, there are a bunch of other really specific realisations that you also come to once you’ve had a kid. Some are triggered by re-examining things you experienced during your own childhood from an adult’s perspective. Some realisations dawn slowly on you as they become part and parcel of your new life.
Ahead, we map out the things that we now know to be true, thanks to our tiny children.
Wet bread is the worst
And it’s everywhere. In the sink, on the floor, in the bath and oops, there goes another piece getting ‘washed’ in a cup of water.
Baa Baa Black Sheep, ABC, Twinkle Twinkle? All the same song
And they say songwriters today are lazy.
All blueberries are not created equal
To finally get some fruit in their mouth… only for it to be a sour one and spat right back out.
How food is presented changes its taste
One kid likes their banana opened one way, the other likes it opened the other way. That instant panic when you open the banana the wrong way for the wrong kid? The worst.
Tadpoles are absolutely incredible
Have you thought about tadpoles since Year Three? Me either. But seriously, how perfect are they? One week they’re little fishy sperm things, the next week they have arms, and the next they have legs! We’ve only got to leg week at forest school so far but I have a sneaking suspicion they’re going to end up turning into frogs. Will keep you posted!
Bunnies don’t make a noise
Incredibly inconvenient then that they’re included in lots of farmyard books. The cows go “moo”, the sheep goes “baa”, the chicken goes “cluck” and the bunnies go… hop? Sly little fuckers.
Rain Rain Go Away is super dark
We’ll never know the true reason the old man went to bed and bumped his head (drink? An aneurysm?) Either way, he didn’t get up in the morning. RIP.
Humpty Dumpty also died
(And never in the song does it say he’s an egg).
Dried Weetabix is a great substitute for glue
Not that you found this out intentionally.
Hightop tables are the work of the devil
Are they gonna sit on your lap for the whole meal? No. Does that mean you should give them their own bar stool? Also no.
High street clothes retailers hate little girls
In the boys section: multiple four-packs of robust and hard-wearing plain shorts and t-shirts. In the girl’s section, for the same price: one pair of skin-tight, snake-print cycling shorts made from a shiny material that looks perfectly suited for a heatwave.
The library is the greatest resource known to man
Sorry, they just let me borrow multiple books for free, so I don’t have to read Stickman again this week? Protect them at all costs.