All The Things I'm Feeling Before The Arrival Of Baby No. 2

Somehow we made it through the pregnancy! But oh, now I am having a baby.

Props to the ‘just you wait’ crew. I have to say, being pregnant with a toddler has been…a bit harder than the first time round. Without wanting to spread doom and gloom, it is obviously a) survivable and b) less foreign than the first time round. Oh and much less fraught with anxiety, but I know that’s not everyone’s experience. 

There were moments when I really thought I didn’t have the capacity to care for one and grow another, but you know what, I did. And women do it all the time — more evidence, as if we needed it, that we are all brilliant! Hooray.

Anyway, one thing they say that is absolutely true in my experience is that the second pregnancy will fly by. At some point a few weeks ago I weed on a stick and now here we are, talking about birth plans, epidurals and the whole shebang. 

And while I’ve spent much of this pregnancy never really knowing how many weeks in I am, I’ve now hit the point where I can hear a faint ticking in the background to the day when it all begins again.

How am I feeling? Well, funny you ask because that’s also something I haven’t really had the time or emotional space to consider this time round. So before I retire to the sofa to try to cram in a whole season of MAFSA before he arrives, I thought I’d have a go at articulating the messy knot of big and small emotions I’m feeling as we move closer to meeting our second little one.

WHAT THE F WERE WE THINKING?

Frequency: usually once or twice a week, usually in the middle of the night when I’d really rather be asleep.

Becoming parents was one of the hardest transitions we’ve ever weathered both individually and as a couple, and now we’re all settled and having a nice time, we’re choosing to detonate it all? It must be a hormonal thing because this is definitely not driven by logic.

SECRETLY EXCITED TO SMELL NEWBORN POO AGAIN

Frequency: this one is probably less frequent, but I cannot stop wondering if it’s as nice as I remember

After toddler poos, I will never take a lovely milky poo for granted ever again.

HOPING FOR HEALING

Frequency: most days, multiple times a day

I’ve talked a lot publicly about how hard I found the first year in particular of motherhood. I know the word ‘trauma’ is thrown around a lot these days, but I am certainly carrying a fair chunk from the first time round. Thanks to lots of nice therapy and the perspective that time and reflection have given me, I feel ready to go through it all again, this time stripped of any expectations at all of how it might go. But I’m cautiously hopeful that with all the knowledge I now have, the belief in my own resilience and the fact that I know and am confident about who I am as a mum now (not to mention the SSRIs) this time might be different.

MISSING MY TODDLER

Frequency: every day, multiple times, especially at his bed time

Look, I know we’ve had two years of just me and him, but I never knew it was two years until it was coming to an end. And I often feel like I wasted so much of it in the emotional fog of new motherhood that I was unable to truly see and feel his magic until later. And I am so, so afraid of losing our closeness and our special one-on-one bond. Things will change when his brother arrives, by necessity. But what if I don’t want them to? I am so scared of time passing and the moment coming when he’s no longer my little boy but my big one. I’m not ready for this chapter to be over.

BROTHER, LOADING — VERY EXCITED TO SEE MY BOYS TOGETHER

Frequency: every day, multiple times, especially at my bed time

When the day is over and my husband and I lie in bed, I can really tune into my baby. Usually it’s about the time of day when he becomes most active, calling my attention. His Dad and I will talk about him and think about what he’ll be like. We named him ages ago because when we found the name, we just knew that was it. We also thought it might make the concept of having a brother a bit easier to grasp for our toddler if we could name him. So at night, we both tune into the baby, hold my tummy and speculate about who he might be, whether he will look like his brother and therefore me, or more like his dad? I’m not sure I’m ready for the beauty of watching them both interact, either.

EXCITED ABOUT BIRTH (sorry if this is not relatable, please skip)

Frequency: often — every few days.

I recognise my very good fortune here, but I was lucky enough to have a beautiful birth with my first that was both empowering and made me feel strong. I wish everyone could experience this. But the absence of fear around what’s coming this time, as well as the knowledge of what to expect has been helping me to gear up, and I’d actually say I’m now pretty excited about watching my body do it all again — however that looks this time.

WORRIED ABOUT BREASTFEEDING NOT WORKING AGAIN

Frequency: most days

Look, no pressure but breastfeeding failing to get off the ground was the biggest trigger for my mental health plummet last time, so I’m obviously quite nervous about putting myself out there again. But with the knowledge I have this time and the great support network around me, I’m hoping for a healing experience this time. Whether that looks like ‘right, I’ve given it my best shot — I guess my body isn’t well-suited to this’ or ‘OMG wow it’s actually working!’ I’m pretty confident the experience will help to give me closure about what happened with my first.

READY TO GIVE INTO SLOWING DOWN - NO GUILT

Frequency: every second second

Last time I squandered the ability to rest and do nothing, because I thought I ‘should be’ doing more or that (LOL) my very small baby might be cognitively harmed by all the Below Deck I wanted to watch. Anyway, needless to say, this time I’m lining up lots of snacks and crap TV l, and I am going to just let it all go for a bit. This comes with letting people who offer to help actually help me and us. Saying ‘yes please’ to offers of food and cleaning — or to the opportunity to nap when it becomes available without worrying that it somehow makes me a crap mother. 

‘LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS’ VIBES

Frequency: all day, every day

Mad when I think about it now that for someone with absolutely no experience of being a paren I was so confident in my vision of what it would be or look like. Now, I have no idea. I know there will be some brutal lows and moments when all four of us are crying. I know there’ll be points when I feel like I’m going to break, and then I won’t. But I also know that in amongst the chaos there’ll be mad pockets of face-aching smiles and extreme joy. It’ll be happy and it’ll be mad and it’ll be beautiful, but instead of being scared, this time I’m ready to embrace the chaos. 

So on that note, see you on the other side pals!